Meltdowns

What are some strategies that I have for dealing with difficult meltdowns?

When meltdowns happen I go through a mental checklist:

- hunger/ food

- sleepiness / rest

- misunderstanding /clarify

I slow down. I drop everything. I get us to a very calm and quiet place. I focus on connection, understanding, listening. There is usually some unmet need that is bothering her, which she is trying to ignore but just can't and it's impacting everything else.

We find the problems we can solve. We come to agreements. We love each other and move on.

There are times when there is absolutely nothing that will get her to stop screaming. I calmly tell her that her voice is a weapon, that it is hurting me. I cover my ears and tell her I am going to go away now. I clear the area and do not give her an audience. She calms down eventually and apologizes. Or she appreciates being left alone, gets quiet, falls asleep, and forgets about it by the time she wakes up. But do you know what is even better than walking away? Putting in ear plugs and staying beside her to breathe and show her calm as she feels so out of control.

The other day when our child was over-tired and screaming at everyone about not being sleepy, I sent her sisters to shower and started playing a bedtime song for Phoebe during her time of overwhelm. I left the song playing on repeat in the background.

Then I spoke to her in American Sign Language. I reminded her that she told me she was thirsty earlier. I signed in ASL but didn't speak. When she asked me what I was trying to say, I told her sign by sign what it meant. She treated it like a game and she tried repeating the signs, too. She had already gotten herself a cup of water, but never drank it. So I reminded her about the drink and she quickly drank it up. When our child is drinking, she cannot scream. Convincing her she wanted a drink before and was still thirsty was so helpful. 

Eventually I got to the point where I realized it used more energy reacting to her fits. Now I go into a calm mode out of self-preservation. It works better to whisper than to yell.

It also sometimes works to just do something absurdly goofy, like balance something on my head or start having a conversation with her in a language she doesn't understand. Shock and laughter can snap them out of things, too.

If she is having a hard time with her emotions, playing calming music with bird songs in the background as we calm down together is incredibly effective. 

She also really likes tossing pillows to calm down. If she throws one at me, I catch it or pick it up and gently lob it back at her. I get goofy and fumble the pillow or pretend like I can't catch what she throws. When I lob that pillow back at her gently, she rather quickly goes into a calm state.

Transitions between activities tend to be hard for her. They are much easier for her if I say a rhyme or sing as we go. Repeating the same thing over and over when she isn't responding, in a series of increasingly goofy voices is pretty effective. Especially if I sing!

I'm definitely not perfect. But we're trying to communicate, and that's a big thing. 

How do you handle meltdowns?